The long and winding road

So it's shaping up to be a nightmare end to this period of my life. I suppose that's appropriate after all the disappointments and failures that I have had here.

The car's not selling - no idea why - it's a great car. There's no way I would give it up if I didn't have to. The piano's not selling - again - a beautiful instrument... The city has put a code violation against my house, so I'm having to shell out a crap load of money to do repairs right when I can't afford it. Work continues to be emotionally difficult... At least that is coming to an end very soon.

I know it's all worth it. After all, we made this decision together and I am proud of how we handled it. It would have been very easy to try to screw the system and stay here at all costs, but we are allowing life to have his way... I think that's ultimately more important.

Last night was my last bible study thank G-d... Now to reimagine everything.

Can I go home yet?

10:32 am... only another 9 hours 28 minutes till I can go home. Well I finally own my car - paid off the loan this morning. Now it's time to sell it. It's insane to be moving country in two weeks and to be working a regular job. The plan is to work right up to the day before I leave. That will enable me to take three weeks off before the wedding and 13 days after... Hopefully to be able to dive right back in! If this all goes smoothly it will be a miracle!

Well I just posted an ad on cars.com. Let's see what that reels in... I already posted it on Craigslist and got a call yesterday from a woman who says that she can sell her Toyota Prius for more than she bought it for!!! So she's down-grading to a Civic... Wierd times.

I am full of adrenaline. It's hard for me to concentrate. Hope you are all doing well.

Indespodance Day 08

Hey wait, I guess that would mean that I'm not despondent, right? Hey you would think that after 30 years on this earth I would have learned to enjoy hanging out with a group of people, food and beer. About 1 hour is all I can take before I turn into a pumpkin. It's a despondent experience hanging around when you're starting to feel like an ass for not socializing. Perhaps the only thing worse might be sitting in the corner, avoiding conversation, blogging about how you're sitting in a corner, avoiding conversation. Still, I'm sitting here looking at the mountains in Colorado with the sun breaking through the rain clouds as they drift towards the horizon with a great friend close by and a wonderful bride waiting for me in Ireland, and, despite it all I know that I'll somehow make it through the next 44 days with my sanity intact before flying away from my experience of America in all its glory and shame. What a long, strange ride it's been.

One step closer to knowing

So much to do so little time. Sexy beast and I are anxious as hell waiting for change to happen. Jobs, where to live, what to do with the fat one. Can I take her with me? How to avoid quarantine? What to do with the house? So many questions. I wish September were here and all this anxious preparation were already over.

When things go south

Hello campers. There's not much good news to share today. I'm guessing that Sexy Beast and I will shortly be heading back across the pond. I think we're both tired of waiting on visas to tell us what our future is going to look like.

I'm ok with that, but the event of ending tends to raise uncomfortable questions for me. I guess the question on my mind is one which I should not be attempting to answer. Nonetheless, my treasure is still at least partly on earth... I can't shake the terrible burden of trying to evaluate my life and see what it's worth.

Especially when it comes to friendship, I question everything. For me the value of my life consists of the the value of the long lasting personal connections I have made with those around me. I keep looking around at those who I have called friends over the years and wondering what happened to them all. I wonder if I choose friends based on the wrong criteria. In particular, I think it's probably more important to consider what we have in common, as it appears that what we share is what binds us together.

Helping mum set up her own bog

This is a test

This is a sample for Mum. We're posting stuff together to show her how the blog works.

[photos: April08]

= field. Patterened clouds o f
rinse plu-tion. Fanatinso;
Sumptuous Sumsion }}} m ai
broken art is a piss of pain
how to draw # the fortunate one
his fame my mystery
his life my hurtful disguise
shame
& failure protestant
canno imbecilli de lumine
ljb became my cancer, my decline
her beauty my undoing, my disassembly _
_ i know not how /
be small. feed well V on her promises
the hill crest no more + f in
redemption hopes ch nge it
Boton make fan \';'';'/

Behind the ears

As I prepare for getting married again later this year, there are all kinds of thoughts running through my head. I am excited and overjoyed to be getting back into the kinds of trouble I was previously a part of. SJ got a dress yesterday which was nice - the first time I have seen her get caught up in the experience. As she said this morning, "I think I've caught the bug!"

Meanwhile, I'm scrambling to scrape togetherenough money to survive the upcoming gap in employmehnt or reduction in hours. I think I may have to convert to a contract basis so that I can work some overtime. We shall see. I am trying to remain patient and not to jump the gun on this issue. Hopefully the economic rumblings that the news is filled with today will not affect us directly. I believe that the tech market here will be solid at least for the next year.

Serene ramblings

Wondering if the correct form of business is perhaps to pursue a sculpture I have been imagining entitled "the garden of small words" which would be a collaborative site which people can contribute to. I think the exciting thing about this project would be the attempt to embrace a new technology in Silverlight, while at the same time pursuing something that is not directly linked to the furthering of my career via boring technologies that are frequently what I need to be studying and using.

Meanwhile I am more and more impressed with Radiohead's new offering. This is a truly great song cycle (considering the entire album's breadth) and I hope that they start to expand into more epic endeavors in the future. They don't seem to realize that the medium of album is still something defined by the recording industry they so hated to be a part of... We will see what they come up with. Just saw some of the video via Meebo + YouTube which is looking awesome. I particularly like the Nude (Scottish Mist) video as well as the short promo showing the putting together of the CD.



Last night we sang through the Darke in E which was surprising to me. It's majesty is strange because it truly seems to be a piece of music that expects to be a part of a bigger experience. Rather than assuming the spotlight, it shimmers with anticipation and atmosphere. It is thus a perfect compliment to a truly inspired service rather than being a performance piece that fits the service's requirements. I have been scouring the Internet for recordings but no luck so far. Let me know if anyone out there has one.

These lesser days

The lesser days between Christmas and New Year really make me feel the difference between here and back home. It's always a little obvious at Christmas time, but the big difference here is that these days in between Christmas and New Year are work days, whereas back home, they are very much part of the holiday season. Of course, as usual in America, the fact that they are work days doesn't stop everyone from doing the minimum amount of work. But nonetheless, its a case of trying to de-emphasize the holiday (or quasi-religious) nature of the days. I don't think it's a conscious effort - just part of the ingrained culture.

Of course, in my case it's extra-sensitive because I'm trying to rely on people back home to provide information in order to begin planning for our upcoming wedding. I don't think dad is checking his e-mail at the moment (good for him!)

I think the other thing on my mind is that right now I feel kind of like I am pushing against the flow of life - flying into the wind.... I believe that we are supposed to work hard to accomplish what we are trying to do in life, but I also think that at a certain point, struggling against the natural current is to fall into the error of Jonah running away from Nineveh.

Bonhoeffer talks about God's call coming as part of many things in life grinding to a halt. Perhaps for me, that time came at the end of last year and continues now... It is certain that in terms of career, friends, mission... all these things are not moving with any momentum. Of course, most people have times like that. Who knows whether circumstances are coincidental or have a higher meaning. Perhaps both... I know we're not supposed to resolve tensions by sacrificing what we have been called to do, but it is hard for me to remain in the place I am in without grasping some power to control - or the illusion of such.

There must be things worth waiting for - upcoming openings for me to pursue. I must remain alert, able to give myself fully when the time comes... and prayerful and hoping with faith for the best to come.

It finally happened

Ah Mr. Mercury,

You know the strange paths that life takes. Although perhaps you became familiar with some slightly stranger paths than most. This morning I feel exhausted from the pursuit of immigration ins and outs. It appears that the US wants me to convert to being a citizen rather than remain as a permanent resident as was my preference. I have mixed feelings about this. Although I would not have to relinquish my current citizenship, it is true that I still have some qualms about the moral responsibilities a citizen must shoulder. In a nation like this, surely it can not be argued that all responsibility for international actions lies in the hands of the political or economical elite. The citizens must share some part of the blame for their military's stance in the world.

When the fatal bullet passes through the brain of an Iraqi father defending his country or an eighteen-year-old American marine, someone must be responsible, and though I feel that responsibility is not equally distributed, there would appear to be enough to go around. I could argue that no one in the entire world is immune from some share of the blame. Even as a permanent resident, I share in the economy of the country, its living and working conditions, its roads, oil, even its political and mass-media intrigues. I am ashamed, but I must not deny that I am partly responsible for everything that has happened.

Becoming an American citizen, I would take on a greater share of the blame for our actions. As a Christian I am glad that ultimately I have access to corrective forgiveness for this blame, but that in no way means that I can continue to be a part of the problem. However, He said that "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" and I think the intent was that law was ultimately in place to better us as human beings and I must therefore strive to do whatever will further this goal. Will I help the situation by not becoming a citizen? I could certainly stir up some reactions among some people by being outspoken about refusing citizenship. I could mollify the feelings of my family and friends in other countries by refusing to align myself with the country. Or, I could choose to attach myself to this country and then fight to help change things. Ultimately, I don't believe that citizenship will have much affect either way, and might allow me to be more constructive in changing things. Thoughts?

Diamond successfully deployed

Yes! I have successfully attached Sexy Beast to myself on a more permanent basis through a successful deployment of a diamond engagement ring procured at Village Jewelers through the nice South African propriator Phillip.

Tuaca

Tuaca is very evil.

Love computers

Love/Hate is the thing which is the core motivator for decisions in us as human beings. Thus, if the AI guys are going to crack the creativity problem they must come up with a way to replicate these philosophies/spiritualities in a mechanism. I can understand modelling emotional response as a procedure, but surely this is fundamentally different from modelling emotional experience which by its nature can not be described due to the mediation of the construct of the communication form being used. The only way to resolve this problem is to deny that emotion exists separately from the communication construct employed. This would mean that I am my communication.

Eventually I would of course agree with this statement in the same way that I consider truth to be a relative quantity. The only question remains what we consider to be the target of these relative measurements. As a Christian I consider this to be God/Christ... however, this implies that I love only to the extent that my response is characterised by the love that God exhibits.

How do you deal with bad customer service?

So I was on the line with AT&T today trying to work out why my friend Amos (who doesn't speak great English) was having trouble getting a phone line connected.

I can safely say that this was one of the most humiliating, hurtful experiences I have had in years. I am left wondering why we as a society have ended up with this situation where paying for a service to be provided is so often accompanied by terrible personal experiences like these. It's not just this industry - recently I and others I know have had terrible experiences with companies like American Airlines, State Farm Auto Insurance, Nationwide Insurance, Bank of Ireland, a private contractor, Expedia.com, Compass bank, John Eagle Honda and others...

There seems to be an implicit understanding in the marketplace that customers can be treated badly because none of the other companies do much better.

Which leaves me wondering what a consumer can do. Dealing with these large companies (mostly) leaves definite emotional injuries - yet I wonder if it's really worth bothering switching to another provider. After all - aren't these companies all just variations on a theme?

So I'm left wondering - what do you think are good ways to deal with these issues?

Transformers movie is almost more than meets the eye

So the movie was kind of cool if you followed the cartoon. However, this is where the cool stopped. The robots were not particularly well matched to their cartoon designs. The human on human violence, never mind robot on human violence was enough to make me cry within the first five minutes of the movie. With US military and Iraqi locals dying by the hundreds every day, I fail to see how anyone can sit back and enjoy this movie without making the connection to the horror of what is really happening.

As if that were not enough, the entire movie turns out to be one long parade of military heroism, camaraderie and military-industrial propaganda. The 17 year old boy inside me was ready to jump into the nearest Blackhawk and mow down some evil Arabs at the merest suggestion. This was a bit offset by the disgusting "hot/thin white chick with perfect teeth who knows cars" who was supposed to be the prize for our gallant hero.

I read on the web that this movie was somehow anti-Bush because of its "Ding dong" reference. However, I'm not sure that you could produce a more pro-Bush movie if you tried. Yeah the president is a jerk, but he's also the head of a kick-ass military machine striving for the good of all mankind - principally by breaching all known bounds of international jurisdiction....

If you decide to accept the military propaganda angle, it still leaves the somewhat disturbing aspects of destruction of property, all kinds of vehicle-lust and a complete disregard for tragedy in general.

This movie sucks and will further debilitate America's ability to be taken seriously by the rest of the world.

<JRM>
Wanted to be video-game-sleek and shiny as a new Lexus, but was as clunky as anything rolling off today's GM assembly line. Misogynistic, racist, and unabashedly infatuated with its own
strategies of product placement to boot. The most heroic characters in the film: the Murdoch-Accent Hacker Barbie and that vaguely Dixie-ish Sec. Of Defense played by John Voight? Please.

Still, what amazing composite work on the special effects. Kind of a cheap out that Megatron did not actually transform into anything recognizable.

Give me the real ultra-violence of THE WARRIORS any day.
</JRM>

Remedy thirst

The thirst for crisis creeps closer falling
People thought I was the minister of
Fluid motion toward the walls
The bow toward me
Fever pitches that I am the great one
I am the I am the
People thought that I was the architect
I am the I was the problem
The issue was self-preservation
The remedy was rest.

San Fran Freako

SJ and I had a great time in San Francisco. First visit there for both of us. We are singing awesome music at choir at the moment (for the most part) Rennaisance can't be beat. Work is still crazy, but I finally have enough time to blog again a little.

So I had given up on the builder recommended to me for house repairs and decided not to sue him as it was more effort than the deposit was worth. Fortunately my hero Mrs. K descended upon him as vengeful fire from heaven and this morning work resumed after a 3 month hiatus. Hooray.

Don't know about you guys but this year seems packed full of stuff I must consider accomplishing and overcoming. It can be exhausting at times.

Find photos here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/goofballlogic/SanFransisco07?authkey=SVaCVjP4jOc

Ugly mess

so if you visit my blog, please leave a comment. I like to know that people are reading and it helps me stay in touch with friends.


I feel pulled in a million directions right now. I wish life was a bit more simple sometimes. Even though I enjoy the complexity. I think one of the things that makes programming fun for me is that I spend my time sorting and straightening out twisted lines of logic. When I have done a good job, everything is left in good order, tidy and accessible. When I have done a bad job, things are so jumbled that the application starts to show unpredictable signs of instability. Basically the logic becomes disorganized and consequences start to build upon each other in unpredictable ways.

One of the holy grails of programming has been the concept of black boxes. This enables us to put a bunch of logic in a black box, and then use it as a chunk without having to worry about the details. Think of a kitchen appliance. You don't have to know how the electronics inside work, you just turn the kettle on and the water heats up, then it turns itself off and you pour the water out.


That's what I spend my day trying to do. Making a "kettle" that you don't have to wiggle the power cord and tape the lid down with duct tape and you don't have to hold it upside down to get the hot water out.

Click to use Google to search public code for:

• Code that is commented with "ugly mess"


• Code that is commented with "beautiful code"


• Code that is commented with "fuckin mess"

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